been down this road before

a week ago i was a total wreck... and i mean really... i was this close to ending it. but guess i have to get up and try again... never lose hope and never lose faith coz theres just to much at stake...

i wrote this letter to end it but my senses caught me minutes before i packed and left. and so heres a copy of that letter hoping theres no reason to send it anytime soon

we have to talk... but i guess talking doesnt work coz everytime we try to talk we just end up arguing and hurting each other. i really don't know how to say this...

im writing you to say you are a lucky man, coz by the time you read this you will be free to do what you want, whenever you want, without feeling guilty or giving satisfactions to anyone and especially to me. isn't that what you wanted? didnt everything have to be exactly the way you wanted always? "i want", "it has to be like this", "i like it like this", "it has to be this way...". starting today you'll never hear anything from me that goes against your point of view.

we made a promise to each other 3 years ago (i know promises are meant to be broken) i dont know if you can understand this... our life together means more to me than anything. i really love you thats why this hurts. and i dont know how to say all this. coz i dont even know what am doing.

we had some good times... great times... i dont know if you would agree to that, and yes you've been there for me when i needed you. you took care of me when i have nothing to offer like when i just got here, you still take care of me despite of the agony your going tru everyday. you made everything possible so i can get here. you drive me around, you took me to a lot of nice places. with all that i know that you love me so much or cared a lot.

but your expectations towards me and this relationship are a bit high. you say ur completely in love with me yet you feel trapped, you feel ur not getting most out of this relationship and much worse you started to believe that this relationship is not going anywhere anyway.

then i guess its not you... what happend to us is all me. yeah i guess it would be easier that way, its me... ive changed. and what you said last night made me realize a lot of things. so i take full responsibility for this failure, after all, i expected too many things from you too and i thought i could give more than i actually can.

the harder we try, the more pain we inflict. Like when ur happy because ur getting what u needed from the relationship, Im unhappy because it meant me being deprived of what I needed, and me not being myself. The same thing happens when u give me what I needed. If our needs weren't so diametrically opposed and immensely important, it wouldn't have been a big threat to our relationship and our individual happiness. I see the same thing with us every day. If I give a little to compromise, I loose a lot of happiness and sanity. If you give a little for compromise you loose
a lot of happiness and sanity. I love you very much and I want you to be happy. i really dont know what to do... and this is just about happiness we havent talked about the pain and hurt we inflict on each other every day...

each day, each hour, each minute, you suffocate me more, trying to take away my liberty, control my attitudes, my agenda, how i should feel, you are trying to isolate me as a person. i dont know who i am anymore. i guess you feel the same too... coz its you who said that we are living in HELL. ive never been to hell so i dont know how to live in hell. but i trust you on this one.

so much for the great and beautiful start we had. yup, do you remember how we started we started with a big bang... yet, a few years later, it seems that none of the promises that we created flourished.

i guess it just didnt happen for us, nothing remains of what looked like a growing love, well besides two beautiful kids (which by the way is another thing to talk about), besides great memories (it wasnt all bad right), everything else lost its enchantment fast, and just a bitter taste was left of what tasted like such a sweet candy.

it is a shame, people have been rooting for us from that start. and i couldnt even believe it too up until now i still keep denying it. but no one expects a relationship to fail.

i want you to know that i dont feel good about myself or happy with all that i just said. to be honest, id rather be writing about how wonderful and fulfilling things have been between us ever since the day we met. but, much to my dislike, there are times in life when you have to be honest, coz we cant continue to live a lie.

like what dr. phil said "Are you in this relationship because you really want to be? Or are you in it today simply because you were in it yesterday? Spending your life with someone because it's just easier not to change is no basis for a healthy relationship"

this is not an easy decision for me. but i just want both of us to be happy. so im keeping my fingers crossed that with this decision we may touch our lives with more joy, keeping in our hearts and souls the affection and respect we've always felt for each other.

thats all for now...