Thursday, July 20, 2006
your life is just a choice
Pretence can take so many forms:
- pretending that you are happily married (for the sake of the children, status, social pressure, etc),
- pretending to be living a happy life,
- pretending to be very intelligent in order to impress,
- pretending to be tougher than you are,
- pretending to be straight when you are gay,
- pretending to be successful when the walls are crumbling,
- pretending to be sexually active when you are not,
- pretending to be without pain when you do hurt,
- pretending not to be lonely.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
its just a cup
today am thankful for starbucks. thanks for keeping me sane, for never letting me down. coz life is soooo messed up. the 15 mins it takes to finish a cup is like a little piece of heaven. its like everything stops and life just waits for you.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
have you ever had the feeling like you never really get to know someone... like everyone is still hiding that big secret. and it doesnt mattter if you live with them, grew up with them, or even have the same blood...
Monday, July 17, 2006
the sky is blue
"The key to the mystery of a great artist is that for reasons unknown, he will give away his energies and his life just to make sure that one note follows another.....and leaves us with the feeling that something is right in the world."
- Leonard Bernstein
more than meets the eye
i really can't believe it... the autobots and the decepticons. i grew up watching this classic hit. i saw the animated movie when i was 6 years old... so i just hope the american version would give justice to the original. nevertheless this movie is going to rock. i can't wait to see it.
been down this road before
a week ago i was a total wreck... and i mean really... i was this close to ending it. but guess i have to get up and try again... never lose hope and never lose faith coz theres just to much at stake...
i wrote this letter to end it but my senses caught me minutes before i packed and left. and so heres a copy of that letter hoping theres no reason to send it anytime soon
we have to talk... but i guess talking doesnt work coz everytime we try to talk we just end up arguing and hurting each other. i really don't know how to say this...
im writing you to say you are a lucky man, coz by the time you read this you will be free to do what you want, whenever you want, without feeling guilty or giving satisfactions to anyone and especially to me. isn't that what you wanted? didnt everything have to be exactly the way you wanted always? "i want", "it has to be like this", "i like it like this", "it has to be this way...". starting today you'll never hear anything from me that goes against your point of view.
we made a promise to each other 3 years ago (i know promises are meant to be broken) i dont know if you can understand this... our life together means more to me than anything. i really love you thats why this hurts. and i dont know how to say all this. coz i dont even know what am doing.
we had some good times... great times... i dont know if you would agree to that, and yes you've been there for me when i needed you. you took care of me when i have nothing to offer like when i just got here, you still take care of me despite of the agony your going tru everyday. you made everything possible so i can get here. you drive me around, you took me to a lot of nice places. with all that i know that you love me so much or cared a lot.
but your expectations towards me and this relationship are a bit high. you say ur completely in love with me yet you feel trapped, you feel ur not getting most out of this relationship and much worse you started to believe that this relationship is not going anywhere anyway.
then i guess its not you... what happend to us is all me. yeah i guess it would be easier that way, its me... ive changed. and what you said last night made me realize a lot of things. so i take full responsibility for this failure, after all, i expected too many things from you too and i thought i could give more than i actually can.
the harder we try, the more pain we inflict. Like when ur happy because ur getting what u needed from the relationship, Im unhappy because it meant me being deprived of what I needed, and me not being myself. The same thing happens when u give me what I needed. If our needs weren't so diametrically opposed and immensely important, it wouldn't have been a big threat to our relationship and our individual happiness. I see the same thing with us every day. If I give a little to compromise, I loose a lot of happiness and sanity. If you give a little for compromise you loose
a lot of happiness and sanity. I love you very much and I want you to be happy. i really dont know what to do... and this is just about happiness we havent talked about the pain and hurt we inflict on each other every day...
each day, each hour, each minute, you suffocate me more, trying to take away my liberty, control my attitudes, my agenda, how i should feel, you are trying to isolate me as a person. i dont know who i am anymore. i guess you feel the same too... coz its you who said that we are living in HELL. ive never been to hell so i dont know how to live in hell. but i trust you on this one.
so much for the great and beautiful start we had. yup, do you remember how we started we started with a big bang... yet, a few years later, it seems that none of the promises that we created flourished.
i guess it just didnt happen for us, nothing remains of what looked like a growing love, well besides two beautiful kids (which by the way is another thing to talk about), besides great memories (it wasnt all bad right), everything else lost its enchantment fast, and just a bitter taste was left of what tasted like such a sweet candy.
it is a shame, people have been rooting for us from that start. and i couldnt even believe it too up until now i still keep denying it. but no one expects a relationship to fail.
i want you to know that i dont feel good about myself or happy with all that i just said. to be honest, id rather be writing about how wonderful and fulfilling things have been between us ever since the day we met. but, much to my dislike, there are times in life when you have to be honest, coz we cant continue to live a lie.
like what dr. phil said "Are you in this relationship because you really want to be? Or are you in it today simply because you were in it yesterday? Spending your life with someone because it's just easier not to change is no basis for a healthy relationship"
this is not an easy decision for me. but i just want both of us to be happy. so im keeping my fingers crossed that with this decision we may touch our lives with more joy, keeping in our hearts and souls the affection and respect we've always felt for each other.
thats all for now...
we have been experiencing record breaking temperatures here in so cal this past few weeks. triple digits... funny that as the temperature rises peoples tempers go over the top. haven't you noticed more people honk their horns during the summer time... and almost everyone is in a hurry.... and theres more traffic accidents too... i wish everyone would just keep it cool and not add up the rising heat.
yesterday we had our usual bbq. kuy jun and his friend (patrick the pilot)came over to join us -- me, ted and baby matt. we have been hosting bbqs for quite sometime now. i just miss our old place in pasadena we had a backyard then... where we could invite a few people and it wouldn't feel too crowded. now that we moved to orange county all we got is a 50 sq. ft of bbq space. at least we still get to smoke some coals every now and then.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
don't you hate it when you feel like you're becoming someone you never thought of becoming... like you're becoming more like the dad or the mom you hate. i know hate is such a powerful word... but do you ever get that feeling? i don't know if this is just post partum depression talking... in reality i just gave birth a month ago. but lately i feel so worthless... and soooo fried right now. yup fried not tired...
im in this relationship --- (what am i thinking "marriage") right now... that i don't know if its working or what the hell am i doing in it. and i know that the other person is not happy. it's like we are in it coz its more convenient for everyone to stay together than file for divorce.
we are always arguing about the smallest things... and im becoming someone i resent... isnt it that relationships are supposed to help you be a better and stronger person? guess not with this one...
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest
starting today am gonna list things am grateful for the day. i should have started this a long time ago but as always something gets in the way.
- im thankful that i had 10 mins to shower (i hardly have the time to go coz my new baby.)
- my babies (zac & matt) especially you matt coz even if you cry 24/7 and don't let me sleep at all. i so love you and can't wait for the crazy adventures we'll have.
- that matt took a nap so i can blog this and finish most of my chores
- am slowly losing weight without any effort... i find it impossible, but will all the stress am in who knows...