Dead Air

you're beautiful

2006-07-20T00:53:00.000-07:00

this week my baby matthew started smiling and making sounds.

your life is just a choice

2006-07-20T00:11:00.000-07:00

Pretence can take so many forms:
- pretending that you are happily married (for the sake of the children, status, social pressure, etc),
- pretending to be living a happy life,
- pretending to be very intelligent in order to impress,
- pretending to be tougher than you are,
- pretending to be straight when you are gay,
- pretending to be successful when the walls are crumbling,
- pretending to be sexually active when you are not,
- pretending to be without pain when you do hurt,
- pretending not to be lonely.

its just a cup

2006-07-19T22:42:00.000-07:00

today am thankful for starbucks. thanks for keeping me sane, for never letting me down. coz life is soooo messed up. the 15 mins it takes to finish a cup is like a little piece of heaven. its like everything stops and life just waits for you.

nobody knows

2006-07-18T20:18:00.000-07:00

have you ever had the feeling like you never really get to know someone... like everyone is still hiding that big secret. and it doesnt mattter if you live with them, grew up with them, or even have the same blood...

the sky is blue

2006-07-17T21:43:00.000-07:00

"The key to the mystery of a great artist is that for reasons unknown, he will give away his energies and his life just to make sure that one note follows another.....and leaves us with the feeling that something is right in the world."

- Leonard Bernstein

more than meets the eye

2006-07-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

can this

transform to this?

“Bumblebee” is going to start out as a 1970s Camaro, and then be rebuilt as a 2008/2009 Camaro. The movie is due for release on July 4th, 2007.

i really can't believe it... the autobots and the decepticons. i grew up watching this classic hit. i saw the animated movie when i was 6 years old... so i just hope the american version would give justice to the original. nevertheless this movie is going to rock. i can't wait to see it.

been down this road before

2006-07-17T18:10:00.000-07:00

a week ago i was a total wreck... and i mean really... i was this close to ending it. but guess i have to get up and try again... never lose hope and never lose faith coz theres just to much at stake...

i wrote this letter to end it but my senses caught me minutes before i packed and left. and so heres a copy of that letter hoping theres no reason to send it anytime soon

we have to talk... but i guess talking doesnt work coz everytime we try to talk we just end up arguing and hurting each other. i really don't know how to say this...

im writing you to say you are a lucky man, coz by the time you read this you will be free to do what you want, whenever you want, without feeling guilty or giving satisfactions to anyone and especially to me. isn't that what you wanted? didnt everything have to be exactly the way you wanted always? "i want", "it has to be like this", "i like it like this", "it has to be this way...". starting today you'll never hear anything from me that goes against your point of view.

we made a promise to each other 3 years ago (i know promises are meant to be broken) i dont know if you can understand this... our life together means more to me than anything. i really love you thats why this hurts. and i dont know how to say all this. coz i dont even know what am doing.

we had some good times... great times... i dont know if you would agree to that, and yes you've been there for me when i needed you. you took care of me when i have nothing to offer like when i just got here, you still take care of me despite of the agony your going tru everyday. you made everything possible so i can get here. you drive me around, you took me to a lot of nice places. with all that i know that you love me so much or cared a lot.

but your expectations towards me and this relationship are a bit high. you say ur completely in love with me yet you feel trapped, you feel ur not getting most out of this relationship and much worse you started to believe that this relationship is not going anywhere anyway.

then i guess its not you... what happend to us is all me. yeah i guess it would be easier that way, its me... ive changed. and what you said last night made me realize a lot of things. so i take full responsibility for this failure, after all, i expected too many things from you too and i thought i could give more than i actually can.

the harder we try, the more pain we inflict. Like when ur happy because ur getting what u needed from the relationship, Im unhappy because it meant me being deprived of what I needed, and me not being myself. The same thing happens when u give me what I needed. If our needs weren't so diametrically opposed and immensely important, it wouldn't have been a big threat to our relationship and our individual happiness. I see the same thing with us every day. If I give a little to compromise, I loose a lot of happiness and sanity. If you give a little for compromise you loose
a lot of happiness and sanity. I love you very much and I want you to be happy. i really dont know what to do... and this is just about happiness we havent talked about the pain and hurt we inflict on each other every day...

each day, each hour, each minute, you suffocate me more, trying to take away my liberty, control my attitudes, my agenda, how i should feel, you are trying to isolate me as a person. i dont know who i am anymore. i guess you feel the same too... coz its you who said that we are living in HELL. ive never been to hell so i dont know how to live in hell. but i trust you on this one.

so much for the great and beautiful start we had. yup, do you remember how we started we started with a big bang... yet, a few years later, it seems that none of the promises that we created flourished.

i guess it just didnt happen for us, nothing remains of what looked like a growing love, well besides two beautiful kids (which by the way is another thing to talk about), besides great memories (it wasnt all bad right), everything else lost its enchantment fast, and just a bitter taste was left of what tasted like such a sweet candy.

it is a shame, people have been rooting for us from that start. and i couldnt even believe it too up until now i still keep denying it. but no one expects a relationship to fail.

i want you to know that i dont feel good about myself or happy with all that i just said. to be honest, id rather be writing about how wonderful and fulfilling things have been between us ever since the day we met. but, much to my dislike, there are times in life when you have to be honest, coz we cant continue to live a lie.

like what dr. phil said "Are you in this relationship because you really want to be? Or are you in it today simply because you were in it yesterday? Spending your life with someone because it's just easier not to change is no basis for a healthy relationship"

this is not an easy decision for me. but i just want both of us to be happy. so im keeping my fingers crossed that with this decision we may touch our lives with more joy, keeping in our hearts and souls the affection and respect we've always felt for each other.

thats all for now...

heat wave

2006-07-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

we have been experiencing record breaking temperatures here in so cal this past few weeks. triple digits... funny that as the temperature rises peoples tempers go over the top. haven't you noticed more people honk their horns during the summer time... and almost everyone is in a hurry.... and theres more traffic accidents too... i wish everyone would just keep it cool and not add up the rising heat.

sunday barbeque

2006-07-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

yesterday we had our usual bbq. kuy jun and his friend (patrick the pilot)came over to join us -- me, ted and baby matt. we have been hosting bbqs for quite sometime now. i just miss our old place in pasadena we had a backyard then... where we could invite a few people and it wouldn't feel too crowded. now that we moved to orange county all we got is a 50 sq. ft of bbq space. at least we still get to smoke some coals every now and then.

upside down

2006-07-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

don't you hate it when you feel like you're becoming someone you never thought of becoming... like you're becoming more like the dad or the mom you hate. i know hate is such a powerful word... but do you ever get that feeling? i don't know if this is just post partum depression talking... in reality i just gave birth a month ago. but lately i feel so worthless... and soooo fried right now. yup fried not tired...

im in this relationship --- (what am i thinking "marriage") right now... that i don't know if its working or what the hell am i doing in it. and i know that the other person is not happy. it's like we are in it coz its more convenient for everyone to stay together than file for divorce.

we are always arguing about the smallest things... and im becoming someone i resent... isnt it that relationships are supposed to help you be a better and stronger person? guess not with this one...

currently spinnin

2006-07-12T11:52:00.000-07:00

- her space holiday: my girlfriends boyfriend

- radiohead: no surprises

- belle n sebastian: i love my car

- sugababes with sting: shape

- the pipettes: magician man

man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest

2006-07-11T14:43:00.000-07:00

starting today am gonna list things am grateful for the day. i should have started this a long time ago but as always something gets in the way.

im thankful that i had 10 mins to shower (i hardly have the time to go coz my new baby.)
my babies (zac & matt) especially you matt coz even if you cry 24/7 and don't let me sleep at all. i so love you and can't wait for the crazy adventures we'll have.
that matt took a nap so i can blog this and finish most of my chores
am slowly losing weight without any effort... i find it impossible, but will all the stress am in who knows...

under pressure

2006-07-09T20:49:00.000-07:00

Vittoria!!!

i'm really not a big fan of soccer... or let me correct myself... football. but what that french guy did was phenomenal... not only did he made history that day, the whole world witnessed it. what was he thinking? how could a world star player lose his head. that head butt probably cost him the game... so kuddos to italy... after that you guys deserve it... not only has it been 24 years since they won the world cup. must be havin a helluva party after that 2 hour game... now its over!

great thing about it all only nine weeks till the NFL season.

i want to attend this

2006-04-19T19:25:00.000-07:00

sleepless

2006-04-10T18:41:00.000-07:00

i sooooo dont feel good today... just had 3 hours sleep. and i just cant wait to go home.

i need this

2006-03-29T19:20:00.000-08:00

the best of classic chillout

call me corporate ghetto

2006-03-29T18:01:00.000-08:00

For each of these, I can think of someone in my office who has done it.

You know you are CORPORATE GHETTO if two or more of the following are true:

1. You don't officially start working in the morning until you read your emails.
2. You have at least one drawer/cabinet that contains more food than office supplies.
3. Not only do you know all the security guards, janitors and cafeteria workers, one of them has asked you out on a date.
4. Your version of a conference call is when you call your friends and plan what you are doing for the weekend.
5. The only time your man/woman picks you up from work is on payday.
6. Friends and family members call you at work to cuss you out because you didn't answer your phone quick enough.
7. You paint your nails at your desk.
8. When you are on a personal call you, laugh so loud your co-workers on the other side of the office come and ask you what's so funny.
9. You have pictures on your wall with you and your friends at the club.
10. To beat the system, you have codes for personal calls that let someone know to call you right back. (Let the phone ring two times and call me right back).
11. You give your out-of-town friends your company's 1-800 number.
12. Before calling in sick, you rehearse your sick voice and sick story several times out loud.
13. Coworkers inquire how your father's surgery went that required you to be out for days and you don't even know who your daddy is.
14. You use the company's postage machine to stamp your personal mail.
15. Your kid's school supplies all have your company insignia on them; you order personal supplies for you and your kids.
16. You call in sick on payday Friday and send your cousin to pick up your paycheck. (Now THAT'S REAL ghetto!! Get direct deposit!!)
17. You contribute $1 to the office Christmas party, eat the most food and take a platter of lunchmeat and potato salad home to your family for dinner.
18. Before someone uses your telephone at your desk, they have to wipe the chicken grease off the handset.
19. You call in sick on Friday because you went out on Thursday.
20. You don't like your supervisor and a couple other coworkers and you tell them off on a regular basis and wonder why you haven't been promoted.
21. You get your haircut/hair done on lunch and come back two hours later and then ask, "Was anybody looking for me?".
22. You cuss your creditors out for calling you at work.
23. You come to work on Friday's dressed for the club.
24. Your kids call your job and say to the operator, "Let me speak to my Mama."
25. You are sitting there reading this instead of getting your work done.

under pressure

2006-03-26T07:40:00.000-08:00

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heatswhen it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for thetemperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell hasf rozen over, it follows that it is not accepting anymore souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting" Oh my God.

"THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

20 baby killing questions

2006-03-26T07:18:00.000-08:00

1) Should women who abort get life sentences in prison and/or the death penalty?

2) If a woman's husband knows she is aborting, should he be charged as an accessory to murder?

3) How about her friends who know?

4) Should abortion doctors receive life sentences in prison and/or the death penalty?

5) If a woman smokes during her pregnancy and the fetus dies as a result, should she be charged with murder?

6) If her husband knew she was a smoker and could kill the fetus, is he criminally negligent?

7) If a woman eats unhealthily during pregnancy and the fetus dies, should she be charged with negligent homicide?

8) If the husband knew, should he, too, be charged?

9) If a woman has a serious medical condition that would almost always lead to the death of a fetus, but gets pregnant anyway, should she be criminally liable if the fetus dies?

10) If her husband knew of this condition, should he, too, be criminally liable?

11) If a company manufactures a product which lights a fire in a fertility clinic, destroying 1500 frozen embryos, should they be liable for mass murder?

12) If an electric company has a power failure which cuts power to a fertility clinic, thawing embryos and rendering them unusable, should they be liable for mass murder?

13) If a pregnant woman reports to her doctor that she is smoking during her pregnancy, should her doctor be mandated to report it to the appropriate agency for dealing with child abuse?

14) If a woman has cancer and her chemotherapy kills a fetus, should she be given a life sentence and/or sentenced to die?

15) If her doctor was aware of her pregnancy, should he be charged as an accessory to murder?

16) Should children who are disabled be allowed to sue a parent for any negligent conduct during pregnancy that may have caused their disability -- for instance, smoking or consuming alcoholic beverages?

17) Should a person with 15 frozen embryos in storage be required to carry each embryo as soon as possible?

18) If I had 15 embryos in storage, should I be able to claim them as dependents on my tax paperwork?

19) If a government agency determined that a woman was being neglectful to her fetus during her pregnancy, should she be forced by the Department of Children and Families to care for the child and/or have it forcefully removed?

20) Should one in three American women be imprisoned or sentenced to death?

kindda make me wonder... is abortion really murder hmmmmmm

disconnected

2006-03-25T07:51:00.000-08:00

I convinced myself that i really need to start writing things down. I tend to forget. I want to know what happened with my life or whats goin at least... I used to write and was very good at it but things got in the way. Now i try to connect again, hoping I can force myself to write and keep it up to date... dont worry its not all dead air.